A short history of my hair

1978-79: Sported the classic “bowl” haircut, a style that my mother loved and is still convinced that I would look just darling in despite being 31 years old.

1980: Convinced my mother to let me grow out the bowl but for some odd reason developed a fixation with having my hair in a pony tail. Have vivid memory of almost reaching school, only to realize that my mother had forgotten to put my hair in one. Had to turn around and run sobbing all the way back home to remedy the tragic situation.

1981-1983: Succeeded in growing hair out into a thatch of perpetually disordered and static-ky tresses that made me look as though I was standing in a room full of balloons at all times. In addition, there is no evidence to show that I could see anything at all during those years due to the fact that my bangs were constantly hanging over my eyes.

1986: Quickly gave into the rage that was then sweeping the nation- the perm. Naturally it looked frightful.

1987: A horrible dark year involving the painful growing out of said perm. Spent most of the time with the top half of my hair bone straight and the bottom half a mass of dispirited, tangled waves and split-ends. I did not have any boyfriends but I did have a pair of Guess jeans which almost made up for it.

1988: After seeing the movie Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (57 times), I suffered grand hair delusion #1 in my life and began believing that despite the disaster of the last perm, if I were to get another one, this time I would look exactly like Sarah Jessica Parker in the final dance scene. I don’t need to tell you how it turned out.

1990: Having finally outgrown Perm #2, I still stubbornly persisted in looking stupid due to the belief that whatever else might be going on with my hair, it must be accompanied at all times by tightly rolled and hair sprayed bangs.

1992: Had begun to see myself as somewhat of an artiste and therefore had stopped washing or combing my hair on any kind of regular basis. At one point it was compared to that of Meg Ryan’s in her portrayal of Jim Morrison’s girlfriend in the movie “The Doors”. I took it as a compliment.

1993: After my first acid trip I woke up the next morning and went and dyed my hair purple. Actually it wasn’t really purple at all but rather a dark auburn/maroonish color but I figured that the important thing was the intention.

1994: Went all Bo Derek for approximately 4 days. When I had almost ripped my scalp off with a fork from scratching, I realized that perhaps that look wasn’t for me. All for the best since I looked seriously ridiculous.

1995: Went through an eyebrow waxing phase. Got them shaped into an arched thin line which gave me the air of looking perpetually surprised.

1996: Suffered from grand hair illusion #2 when I thought that if I were to get my hair cut chin length with bangs, I would look just like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. Unfortunately I looked more like a cross between Peppermint Patty and Ramona Quimby.